.you taught me to look in your eyes

[-poe]

instead of feeling in danger during xander's outburst at the nurse, poe felt safe. someone was finally there to watch over her, make sure no one hurt her. she'd had a few boyfriends in her life, but xander- who she wasn't even technically dating -was so very different. they never cared this much. unlike xander, they didn't really need her. the thin brunette was an item to them, an object of sexual desire. in those days, when poe had access to no medication, lucy had been far more aggressive. she had been outcast as the highschool bicycle- you know, everyone's had a ride. most of them poe didn't even remember. she had been the one in the back of lucy's mind, not the other way around.

in the few moments poe had to remember those dark times, the nurse had gone back down the hallway- but not without looking over her shoulder and shooting them a dirty look. suddenly, in the afterthought of her highschool years, being stuck here didn't seem so bad. they were keeping lucy at bay, and without this, she would have never met xander. but then it occurred to her what even had really put her here.. and she shuddered.

right away she turned back to look at xander. she needed his safety again. the nurse long gone, poe rushed to hug him and bury her head in his chest. she never wanted to let go, because his arms were the best protection she could ever ask for. the only protection she could ever need. in a frenzy of female hormones, poe was sobbing into his shirt and holding onto him like he was her hold on life. there was no way xander could know what her issue was, but in an asylum has it's upsides- people have breakdowns every day.

"what i did..." she choked out, "what got me here.. i don't deserve you." her weak moment went on, and the raven felt like a true scavenger. hated by all, just a pest who fed on everyone else lives without improving them. logic that would usually reveal itself to the brunette was absent here. she needed her friend more than ever.. but what words of solace could a mute provide to her?

[.xander;;]

as usual, xander rather zoned out while staring at nothing in particular and was only partially aware of the nurse’s departure. the fact was thrust in his face when poe threw her arms around him and began to sob into his chest. her grip was so constricting that not even the lycanthrope found himself able to break free--but perhaps that was more due to emotion. he was, however, suddenly very worried; he hadn’t noticed the nurse do anything to actually, purposely harm her, and he hadn’t gone and attacked her. he wasn’t trying to right now.

what i did. what got me here. i don’t deserve you.

incredulous, xander repeated her words over in his mind again and again. what she did to not deserve him? how blind was poe? she was a medium risk, saying this to a high risk. was she unaware of what those statuses were for? sure, she had been placed temporarily into high risk, maybe even more than once--but something she did not have in common with xander was that she always ended up getting out. he had never been moved down in risk in four years. and did she know why that was? it was a reason more serious than anything she could be concealing under her belt. with an immense desire, xander wanted to immediately tell her that she was wrong for thinking that. he wanted to tell her that whatever she had done was nothing. he wanted to tell her that the man she was clinging to with such trust had murdered three people.

gently, the man pushed poe away. he squeezed her hands softly before letting go and holding up one finger in the universal “brb” signal, then disappeared back into the rec room. when he and stan reemerged, xander had the lost notepad in tow. without wasting any time, he wrote to poe a retort.

whatever you did, he wrote earnestly, showing her as the pen created words, doesn’t matter. i don’t care what you did. if either of us doesn’t deserve the other, it’s me.

the brunet willed his hand to write the words, because i’ve killed people when you haven’t. but how could he? not even the merciful poe could tolerate him if she knew the mindless slaughter he had executed. she would certainly leave him then. xander could never tell her. he didn’t want to lose her again, permanently.

[-poe]

for the few moments in which xander left to get his notepad, poe couldn't breath. being without him was like being choked. no air could get through, the world was dark, without any hope. any happiness that remained in the woman was sucked out. and then... he was back. it was like being reborn. as he wrote on his notepad, poe wiped the tears from her eyes. her outburst suddenly seemed silly and embarrassing, even in front of someone she so much trusted- even if she shouldn't.

"i don't care what you did." he had written. how could he say that if he didn't know? after all, look what lucy had done to her ex. how could xander be sure that lucy wouldn't do it to him, too? images flooded into her mind of stained white bedsheets, sirens wailing, and the stainless steel knife in her own hand. how could she tell the cops that it wasn't really her? that it was lucy, not poe. sometimes poe wanted to change her legal name to poe, so people wouldn't call her by that awful name.

the thin brunette slowly shook her head. "i guess it doesn't matter what either of us did. in here.." she let her voice trail off and glanced around the halls. nurses in purple smocks and doctors in white lab coats scurried about the halls, along with the nutcases and their guards. in here, we get a fresh start. you know?" her eyes found xander's again, and it was clear that her moment of weakness was over. "we can start over." her words were heavy with emotion and honesty. they never had to talk about what they did. poe wouldn't ask, and she suspected that xander wouldn't either.

[.xander;;]

xander could not hold poe’s breakdown against her. to be truthful, he found randomly bursting into sobs was a sign of strength. in here, his idea of a breakdown was keeling over and absolutely dying. to be able to shed one’s tears instead of slit one’s throat was brave. it meant that, although tired of everything, one would eventually resume marching on. anything less than tears was either total numbness [his excuse] or total defeat.

her next words relieved him somewhat, at least in knowing that she was regaining her morale. but at the same time, he opposed them. no, whatever poe had done did not matter to him, and whatever he had done did not matter to her, but it always mattered “in here.” it mattered every second of every day, and it always would--their being here guaranteed it. had it not mattered, they would not be there anymore.

but how could he tell her that? those words, like most of his, were hardly encouraging.

instead of ruining poe’s healing mood, xander found himself staring back at her. he could not recall how long they had been sitting in the hallway, just that it had been some time. he had woken up that morning feeling so very alone, and now he was stuffed chock-full with companionship.

blue-green eyes fell from pale blues to rest on the notepad in his hands. the man took his time writing this message, perhaps searching for the right words and perhaps simply relishing its truth. poe was right about one thing--they had a fresh start.

when he showed her, the words read clearly in his usual turquoise ink, you’re the first person who’s ever come back to me.

[-poe]

at his written words, the petite brunette stood a little straighter. something shone in her eyes- was it pride? yes, she had come back. where others fled, she was brave. it was only more confirmation that she was doing the right thing by staying at his side. it made her feel strong, but not independent. it was clear she needed him to be this brave, because she was being brave for xander, not really for herself. when not with him, poe felt like a coward. she couldn't stand up to lucy, so how could she stand up to anyone else? but standing up for someone, especially xander, was completely different.

she smiled gently at him and said, just as simply as if it were fact, "i'll always come back to you." although there was no way she could know xander's thoughts, if she had been able to know his doubts about their past crimes and how much they mattered, poe's logic would have been this: the major point was, they were already here. she was medium risk. he was high risk. they defined what they could and couldn't do, not specifically what the pair of them had done. and besides the staff, no patient nor criminal had to know. one could potentially make something up- make a fresh start.

someday, poe did plan to tell xander about her past. she wanted him to share in all aspects of her life, like most women would. she wanted to keep no secrets between them- although she would never press xander to talk about what he'd done. poe would be there to listen- or look -if he wanted to tell her about that, but no more.

poe's smile didn't falter. despite the dreary setting, she felt that their new start was going well. their emotional troubles just a few moments ago seemed a lifetime away. she was soaring in white, instead of the deep blue funk she had been treading in before. in a moment of spontaneity, she stood up on her tiptoes and gave xander a quick peck on his scruffy, unshaven cheek. sure, it was comparable to kissing sandpaper, but she didn't care. it was xander. her xander.

[.xander;;]

her xander was presently on the verge of mirroring her earlier actions and bursting into a sobbing fit. fortunately, mens are not as open about their feelings as wimmens. however, not even this mens could prevent another flush of the cheeks in response to receiving a smoochie.

please be aware that mink is remotely unmotivated right now, as xander has chosen to ignore her and his own existence. he should suck it up and get over it, considering this is poe we are talking about. even though he is too fucking retarded to know it, he totally wants in her pants heart, because he ruvs her. if he was actually some freaky kind of wolf/dog he would say to poe, “rai ruv roo!” you know, like how scooby doo does. lol, it’s so funny to say “scooby doo does,” it sounds like you’re saying “do” and “does” in relation to the same noun.

mink apologizes sincerely for the last paragraph. she will now listen to corny love songs by a certain dude named tom in an attempt to get back in the mood.

her xander was also mentally “wtf”-ing at the empty feeling that became apparent in his chest when he was with poe like this. mostly he was taken aback because this empty was not hopeless. all the other times he had felt a hollow space where his heart should have been, it was because someone had torn it out. now, his heart just seemed to have sprouted wings and was now hovering miles above him, frolicking with poe’s in the elysian fields. PFF, like that was ever going to happen.

anyway since xander pretty much needs to do something for poe to react to in order for vey to post… the blush had not quite faded when he sidestepped the brunette and moved forward so that he was standing beside her. from there, he leaned over and pressed his side against hers for a moment, then straightened up again. for poe’s future reference, this nudging of sides was how wolves hugged! not that the wolf was in control of xander, or had very much control at all presently. these things were involuntary to him by now. “things?” you ask. “but there was only that one thing.” oh, no. after the hug, xanny of course turned his head and proceeded to shove his nose/face in poe’s hair and nestle around in it. nuzzles for the win!

[-poe]

if poe had to describe her emotions after xander's odd display of affection in emoticons, it would have gone something like this: . her face, if one would have been looking, reflected this almost exactly. it took her a moment, but soon she understood that this was part of the wolf in him. and clearly this wolfish affection wasn't going to do her any harm, so she embraced it. hell, she turned to face xander, and embraced him, too! the romantic part of poe wanted for both of them to make a run for it, get married and settle down in a small hut on the coast of maui.

the not-retarded part was just happy to be. even in the hellhole they called their place of residency. the white clouds remained around her, suspending them both in a sky of happiness. well, that might be a bit cheesy, but you know what i'm getting at. she felt good. it was like xander was supposed to be there in her arms, like a key in a lock. (did i already use that simile? it just fits so well.) how about this one- poe was like the speeding freight train and xander was the station. i'm gonna stop there, because this could start to get sexual.

anyways, while xander's face was buried in her hair, poe buried hers in his neck. she could have stayed this way forever, but fate couldn't make it that easy, oh no! the plump, short nurse came tottering down the hallway toward them. she'd been tracking down some other patient, meds in hand, when she saw little poe aldridge gettin' freaky with the wolf boy.

always the vigilant mother figure, nurse gladys had to stop it. it was more because of the rumors about this wolf-boy that she tugged poe away from him, than it being against the rules. she didn't want poe getting hurt, no sir. she gave poe a stern look, and then shot one stan's way, before wobbling off again.

suddenly poe thought this was hilarious. she burst into laughter, the likes of which she hadn't laughed since being put in this funny farm.

[.xander;;]

well, if you get the cute habits, you’ve also got to take the ugly ones. poor nurse gladys, innocently rescuing poe from sure fatality [lol]. all xander wanted to do was eat the nurse’s fucking heart for taking away his poe. for whatever funny reason, poe was the only one aside from the alpha who could ever touch him--and in such a big hug!--without being attacked by the bloodthirsty wolf. xander had always been shy and had never really liked being touched, but after so long of being all on his lonesome, he actually liked tranquil human contact. now if only the wolf didn’t like feeling pulsing blood...

fortunately stan was always on his guard [no pun intended. okay, maybe a little pun.] and was restraining the crazy wolf boy while he was growling quietly at the retreating nurse. even so, xander didn’t necessarily want to kill her or anything, since she hadn’t hurt poe, but she and everyone else in this dog-damn hellhole needed to learn to get the fuck off his territory. congratulations, poe. you are now “xander’s territory” status. just be glad he doesn’t mark his territory. oh, but he’ll “mark” you one day, i can guarantee that... everyone will know you are his, mwahahaha.

the moment he stopped growling, poe started laughing insanely! xander was more or less like the kangaroos in “end of ze world.” wtf, mate? he didn’t understand how this was so funny. the lycanthrope tilted his head to the side curiously and watched poe as she cackled maniacally. good thing he was mute, or else “how the hell is this funny?” would have jumped out of his mouth. jeez, maybe making friends with a psycho wasn’t such a grand idea. no, i’m totally kidding, xander loves poe. she’s his bff. lol, he’s so stupid. he subconsciously wants to mate with her, but consciously he’s just like “ohai best friend!”

idiot.

also, xander’s tummy started to moan ’n groan. holy shitballs, was it already dinner time? their cuddle session had endured longer than he had anticipated! if xanny didn’t eat soon, he would go crazy and try to eat people. oh noes, that meant poe might be on the menu [even if she is very stringy]! xander was so stupid that he didn’t bother writing “if i don’t go eat food i’ll eat you,” or something of the like. he just grabbed his tummy with one hand and whined once. it wasn’t like he wanted to go eat that nasty food. “tv dinner with instant mashed taters, yarn green beans, and chalk chicken niblets ala a man named ‘leslie’” once a week was bad enough. god, wouldn’t they let him eat flesh just one night? xander would rather eat an adorable little kitten than leslie’s cooking, and he loved adorable kittens just as much as the next guy.

[-poe]

just as poe's frenzied laughs were dying down- the cute head tilt xander had pulled had extended it -her friend grabbed his belly and whined at her. she exploded once again, lawlzing all over the place. the wolf seemed like a hungry puppy, whining at it's mother for some milk. (if you'll excuse the innuendo. ;o ) the time of day had not occurred to poe. it was common, almost routine, for her to experience a dull sort of hunger. after all these years, she had quite gotten used to it and barely noticed it- especially during such an emotionally packed few hours spent with xander.

finally her guffaws subsided, and poe was able to look at her friend with a mostly straight face. there was still a small smile written across it, but we can suppose it was just because she liked being around the freakish wolf-boy, for whatever reason, rather than from her fit of laughter. the raven tilted her head back at him, and teased, "maybe you should say- or write -what you mean, rather than just motions. we are not three years old!" she smiled broadly at him, and went on, "oh, well. i suppose we ought to go to the cafeteria, then?" without wait, she headed past him in the direction of the cafeteria. suddenly she felt that they wouldn't waste a lot of time standing around there anymore.

she wanted to be there, with him. it was like she was in highschool again, and poe would walk into the lunchroom holding hands with her new boyfriend. because, without the whole asylum knowing about it, how could it even count!? the mere thought was absurd and foreign- she had gone from highschool right into being married, and then was forced into this hellhole. but she thought for a moment- was this even a real relationship? they hadn't actually talked about it. would he call her his girlfriend? poe wanted him to. his girlfriend. his love. his girl.

[.xander;;]

xander was glad that poe had many lulz, but was still weirded out as to why. whatever, at least she was happily content in her complete insanity. he couldn't say that much. wait, but he wasn't insane. right. perfectly sane, just diseased. physically, not mentally! xander decided to stop thinking about it because whatever he thought next would just lead back to that internal argument over his sanity or lack thereof. he wasn't crazy, and that was final.

even after her crazy giggles subsided, poe looked extremely entertained. wolf-boy didn't recall doing tricks or anything to amuse her. was there something on his head or what? he was about to analyze himself when poe made clear what had amused her so. of course she meant it in a harmless, even friendly way, but xander still felt rather insulted. he couldn't help the wolf-like behavior he exhibited ceaselessly, and it was faster to use body language than write, and arguably more effective. how much different was "i'm happy" than jumping up and down with a giant smile? not like he would do that. well, xander would have to disregard poe's reaction to his conduct--friends or enemies, he was always going to be a laughing stock. it came with the territory.

with a raised eyebrow, xander watched poe retreat in the direction of the cafeteria. honestly, she completely perplexed him. the anorexic lady was leading the flesh-eating monster into the place of eating. how messed up was that?

after he had pondered over her for a moment, trying with no avail to understand her, xander followed poe like the lost puppy that he was. even from here, he could smell the [nasty] food. his stomach rumbled quietly, and he tried to disregard the shakes that moved quickly through his body at the feeling of hunger. if he dwelt on them, they might become irresistible, and they were so close to food that did not involve human flesh. woot.