.you taught me to look in your eyes

[-poe]

just when everything seemed so perfect, the world and all its' cruel realities came crashing down around poe's ears. she nearly felt her heart stop when he brushed his lips with her own, and it was brought back a moment later when it appeared that she was going to lose her neck. what poe thought was going to be her last breath caught sharply in her lungs as a terrified gasp.

when xander let go f her hands to fall, poe did the same in the opposite direction. she couldn't remember falling, but the next moment she found herself on the floor. her usually soft and timid eyes were round as saucers and full of disbelief. once again, poe was split in two- and not just her and lucy. the logical part of poe told her to run. get out. scram. the emotional part told her that it wasn't really xander, that he couldn't be held accountable for those actions just as she couldn't be held accountable for lucy's actions.

somewhere below her head her heart was racing, and her stomach was twisting itself into knots. despite her logical response for flight, poe's limbs were frozen solid. her round eyes begged explanation from xander, but for the moment she felt as mute as he. for a moment she could do nothing, but slowly the feeling returned to her arms and legs, and she moved backward slightly and scrambled to her feet. wrapping her arms around herself in a tight hug, she stared.

she felt betrayed. she felt dead inside. she felt angry. she felt numb. lucy was at her ear, whispering, see? if he cared about you, you would have been able to restrain himself. he just wanted your pretty little flesh. poe blinked, teary-eyed once again, and looked away.

[.xander;;]

xander felt anything but sane around poe--he couldn't figure out why he was dependent on her presence or why he could restrain the wolf from her one day but not another. that monster saw her on the floor, potentially easy to take down, but he only saw the wreckage he had caused without even hurting her. hell with his trust issues. how could anyone, especially a woman that fragile, trust him?

of course he saw the demand for an explanation in her eyes, and of course he wanted to give her one. unlike her, he couldn't communicate this want through speech. why couldn't he say the simplest [and yet most complex] thing? how hard was it to sound out three syllables?

for a reason he couldn't determine, xander felt a sharp pang in his chest as poe backed away even farther. her frightened eyes burned holes into him and he tried to back away from the painful stare, but he was already as forced up against the wall as he could be.

in actions reverse of poe's, he felt his legs go numb and slid down onto the ground. no words. no speech. his notebook was still in the rec room. how could he talk to her?

why should he talk to her? why should she listen to him, even if he told her what he needed to? he didn't deserve her presence or her attention, even for that.

the familiar weight filled him like fluid in his lungs, but he couldn't let himself drown until he spoke to her somehow. his legs drew up in front of him as he dug numbly in his hoodie's pocket, eventually producing an extra pen. before he became completely paralyzed, the brunet pushed up the sleeve so that his left hand was exposed. he tried to keep from absolutely throwing up in disgust as he scrawled on it with the pen, then abruptly dropped it, folded his arms over his drawn up knees, and buried his face in them.

although he did not move after that, he left the hand in plain sight. the words i'm sorry, were slightly distorted, following the gruesome scar's jagged, three- dimensional form.

[-poe]

there were two clear pathways in front of her- the only problem was that where those paths led was mostly obscured. one obviously led toward a long roller coaster ride with xander, in which they got into fights, made up, lather, rinse, repeat. that road was taken if she were to calm herself down and forgive xander. lucy liked that way, because it might later involve letting xander in her pants. poe liked that way because even though it was scary being with him, she also felt more safe than she had in years.

if poe were to take the other path, it would mean turning around right there and leaving him. getting off the ride and going to waste away the rest of her days in the asylum alone. poe liked that road because it would involve less hurt, less trouble and not nearly as much drama. lucy liked that way because it would be better for her to find easier prey than xander. in a mad house, how hard would it be to find some fucked-up nympho who'd bang her quicker than look at her.

the moments stretched on for more than an eternity and less than a second in poe's own mind, and she had her answer. she wiped a stray tear from the corner of her eye and took a timid step forward. kneeling slowly in front of him, poe understood the future she was laying down for herself, but she couldn't imagine one without xander in it- which would surely be the case if she'd left him. she took the hand with the message scrawled over it in her own hand, and pressed it to her lips.

her eyes looked watery again as she looked back up at him and whispered, "i forgive you."

[.xander;;]

forgiveness. poe offered it to him, and he might take it, but to what extent? how could he take from someone else what he wouldn’t even give to himself? of course, that was not the thought process in which it occurred to him. his brooding contemplations were more along the lines of, i don’t deserve forgiveness, which, in essence, was denying himself of it. monsters were called such for a reason, after all. forgiveness was divine, and monsters were hellish. the two could not be combined.

and while he did not want to subjugate his friend to the taste of hell he devoured every day, xander was selfish as any other man. he would pretend to accept her mercy so that she would continue being around him rather than running away. everyone ran away, and he was tired of it. he did not blame them, but he would admit that he felt very alone. poe had thus far displayed infinitely generous compassion, and would likely stick around him for a while, if he let her.

all the same, just milliseconds after she spoke those words to him, he was dragged from the blank state in a position submissive to the wolf. if only poe would stop touching him, especially on that god-forsaken hand, he could resist the urge to fucking tear her apart. he quickly reversed the hold so that his hand was grasping hers rather than the other way around, pulled it to him, and bit down on it. stan was no more than half a second away from knocking his lights out before he got a hold of himself and removed his teeth from her skin. to some relief, he had not drawn blood, but seeing the indented tooth marks in her skin was enough like a punch to xander’s face. his grip was tight enough to ensure she didn’t pull her hand back. all at once, the lycanthrope felt himself break, in hatred, in regret, in sadness, and as he dropped his head to rest on the hand he had been ready to maim, he wetted it with a limited amount of tears. men weren’t supposed to cry--but xander was a bitch, after all.

[-poe]

just as the emotional roller-coaster she was on looked like it was above to start climbing up again, it dropped suddenly beneath her. the track sent the young woman into a tumbling dive of physical and mental pain of which she had not expected. in response to the strike on her fingers, poe attempted to pull her hand away to no avail. the coaster's controller looked immediately regretful and even started to cry on her mostly undamaged hand. poe wanted to cry with him, lucy wanted to slap him, and then laugh at his pain. make poe suffer, too. but the increase in meds were keeping her mainly stifled, thankfully.

gently, poe extracted her hand from xander's grasp and used it to lift his chin and look at her. her own eyes were still round- slightly scared, slightly watery, but still kind and understanding. when she spoke her usually loud, cheery voice was stuttering and raspy with emotion. "we... we can work through this." she sounded anything but sure, and her mind was was even more unsure than her voice sounded, but she had to try and believe it. poe had to try and believe that even two people crazy and them could solve thier difference to make a good life for one another.

"i promise." was her final statement, and it was surprisingly solid. the raven stretched her her fingers upward to wipe the tears from under xander's eyes with the tenderness only a woman like her could posses. lucy was sullenly silent. as impulsive and lusty as she was, an idiot she was not. the dark woman understood her better half's devotion to the lycanthrope, though she could in no way figure out why. for now, poe's mind was set on making this work and lucy could do nothing to change it.

[.xander;;]

of all he had ever encountered, xander could understand poe’s endless reserve of forgiveness the least. he did not deserve it. he was a bad man who did bad things to good people, poe being no exception. upon hearing her words, he wanted to cry more, but his eyes had since stopped shedding tears. and how foolish he would look, were he to burst back into tears as they held eye contact.

the brunet honestly expected to find the evidence of a cruel joke in her pale blue eyes, but found instead sincerity and boundless kindness. there was a frightened gleam among the understanding, and xander hated himself to have caused it, but poe herself seemed to leave it unacknowledged. his own eyes stared back at hers with fear and self-loathing, reflecting his skepticism that he could ever “work through this.”

but even the subtlest doubt he sensed in poe’s voice had vanished as she made the promise. just as he had with her, she dabbed a hand under his eyes and chased away the last of his tears. suddenly he felt the blood rushing to his cheeks in a humiliated blush. so the big bad wolf let himself cry in front of a little lamb. the lycanthrope snuffled once and turned his head away in embarrassment, averting his gaze to the long hallway rather than poe’s face, but that didn’t help. despite wanting to hide the obvious fact that he had been crying, he still felt and looked like utter shit. the biting, the crying, the general failing… poe was the one who had just gotten out of solitary confinement and he was the one who appeared to have a complete lack of hygiene. ever heard of a razor, xander? how about a comb?

of course, however, poe didn’t care that he hadn’t shaved in days, or that his hair was unnecessarily long and tousled, or that the bags under his eyes were almost pitch black [even despite the sleeping meds katze had prescribed weeks ago]. that was just another one of her ways of confusing the fuck out of him. he could probably spend a life time studying the woman’s mind and still not know how the hell it functioned, especially regarding him. xander was subordinate of garbage. poe could easily find a better friend in an asylum--... touché. end rant.

[-poe]

his unshaven face, baggy eyes and messy hair were just more signs to Poe that Xander needed her. and she wanted to help him, god how she wanted to fix him, whisk him away from this place. take him somewhere that didn't have therapists or doctors, people in white coats, needles and bodyguards. how could anyone get fixed in a place that was so fucked up? suddenly none of her own problems mattered. the only thing in the world that mattered was Xander. how he felt, what he needed, him him him.

in the back of poe's mind, lucy was grumbling. she didn't give a fuck about xander- no lay was worth this much effort. in fact, almost nothing was worth this much effort. a stable relationship? puh-lease. that wasn't worth a rat's ass, let alone the physical and emotional toll this was taking on poe. as much as lucy hated it, she needed poe. especially while they were being pumped full of so many meds.

but poe wasn't listening to her other half anyways. she had moved herself to xander's side, leaning her back on the same wall he was. gently, she put her weight on his shoulder and rested her head against his. it was, she suspected, the closest they had ever really been. touching from waist to cheek, and god how she had waited for this. her hand grasped at his again and she squeezed it tightly. "i'll do everything i can to help you, xander. anything." poe's words were quiet, so even the bodyguard above them couldn't hear, and whispered in his ear. yeah, she could probably make less crazy friends here..

but all she wanted was xander.

[.xander;;]

oh, how blind men could be. as many of poe’s thoughts centered around him, the majority of xander’s were still rather self-centered, regardless of their negativity. if he knew how much he meant to her, and in such a way! he was only interested in holding together a long friendship when poe had bigger ideas.

unfortunately, xander was romantically challenged; unknowingly influenced by the wolf’s ideals, mentally stuck forever in past relationships, among other things. he assumed the brunette’s soft and warm touch was merely in a friendly manner. it still perplexed him a bit, though, so he turned his head back towards her as she pressed against him, ultimately giving himself the status of pillow.

for whatever reason, this full touch did not set off the wolf’s bloodlust yet, and he enjoyed it solely for the human contact. the warmth of a body next to his own reached even his cold inside, filling the hollow space unlike any way he could fill it alone. this affection only grew when poe’s hand again held his.

we are not a pack animal! the wolf snarled immediately in his ear. she is prey, not pack! but xander was somehow able to disregard the beast. the tender feeling in his chest currently satisfied all the needs he felt, including the urge to give in to the wolf.

again, he was unaware of the exact way poe meant her words, but they still impacted him on an emotional level, regardless that that level was different from hers. the heat of her breath on the side of his face made the hair on the back of his neck rise up, though he assumed it was because he was unused to it. it was rather ironic, how he was incorrect in determining what his feelings meant, when he subconsciously wanted to mirror poe’s behavior in order to share with her what he was experiencing.

the lycanthrope’s rigid form relaxed now, fitting even more to poe’s. his head tilted back onto hers and his fingers wove themselves amongst hers. were he to be shown a picture of exactly how they were touching, he would be completely astonished at how amorous they looked. the brunet turned his head just slightly now, enough to put poe’s face into his line of sight, or at least the corner of his eye’s sight. he probably looked atrocious this close up, but the woman did not--even considering the scars, leanness, and other “imperfections.” truth be told, he was automatically attracted to the flaws; they were what made poe her. and as he met her pale-to-the-world but vibrant-to-him blue eyes, xander was, for the first time, glad that he could not speak. undoubtedly, his words would unnecessarily clutter this arrangement.

[-poe]

despite their surroundings, poe slipped into a state of perfect contentment. the way her body fit next to his was like a key to a lock, the mac in the cheese, and the peanut butter on the jelly. the rest of the world drifted away around her, but holding hands with xander kept him with her. for all she knew, they were floating on a cloud miles about the earth. there was only his eyes, the feeling of him next to her, and the warmth there were sharing. lucy was left behind when she drifted, furious and steaming out of poe's conscious mind.

the way xander reacted to her seemed natural. there was no way she could know that he was misinterpreting hers and his own feelings for nothing more than friendship. lucy tried to tell poe this, but not because she knew it was true. lucy was only taunting her better half, trying to ruin her moment of ecstasy. of course poe didn't believe her, not right now. lucy always lied, anyways. and this time, lucy didn't even know she wasn't.

poe's pale blue eyes slowly drifted closed, and before she knew it she had fallen asleep on his shoulder. the brunette had never known a more comfortable sleep in here life. her subconscious conjured up images that were even more beautiful that reality. the two of them were sitting against a tree in a quiet forest, not the wall of nuthouse. sunlight filtered lazily through the evergreens, and chirping birds sounded off in the distance. it was so gorgeously cliched that poe saw it in the dream. her dream self turned to xander and chuckled, "isn't this corny? i love it." her smile was brighter than ever. her fantasy xander grinned right back and said quite clearly, "me too."

out loud, poe snorted herself from sleep. the imagined sound of xander's voice startled her out of her dream, and she lifted her head to look at him suddenly. it had been the sweetest sound to her ears. slightly gruff and deep, but infinitely soft and caring. she could only hope that his real voice was like that, but poe understood she might never find out. her dreams would probably remain dreams forever.

in explanation for her snort, poe shook her head. "i'm sorry.. i drifted off. did you say-" she realised the stupidity of the question as soon as it was out of her mouth, and gave a small laugh. "anything at all?" the brunette's lame finish was met with silence, as per usual. reality was crashing back around her, and even lucy had found her voice again. at a loss for what to say next, poe brushed a few strands of her from her eyes. lucy blabbing away in the back of her mind was like a headache, and she longed to call for some tylenol.

it was then when she realized why lucy was becoming so loud again, the time had passed since she was supposed to take her medication. clacking shoes on the tiled floor signaled that a nurse was on their was to fix that. unfortunately, it was a stout, bulky, no-nonsense woman whom poe trusted, but was not as lenient as Stan. she hauled poe up by the collar of her hoodie and shoved the meds in her hand along with a small cup of water.

she swallowed them. the moment was lost.



((here's to hoping you feel better, mink. and extra-special long post. <3))

[.xander;;]

although the rec room was just on the other side of that wall, xander’s world was silent. unlike most he was forced into these days, this silence was comforting. it wasn’t an empty hush as usual, but a satisfying calm. he wished it could always be this way.

as it were, normally if two patients were caught holding hands, much less gluing themselves together, they would immediately be separated and reprimanded. but stan--god love him--would inform authorities, in appreciation of xander’s fleeting moments of contentedness, something along the lines of, “it’s therapy; doctor’s orders. do you want to see the prescription?” thankfully even the skeptics didn’t want to call the daunting mr. green on lying.

while she slept, xander kept up, even through the administrators’ inquiries, guarding her. the mighty wolf curled himself around the brittle-boned raven. as partners in scavenging, they exchanged his protection for her guidance, and their amity was mutual. they could survive only with one another and found their solace only in their unity.

however, the peace was interrupted by concern when poe abruptly awakened. xander looked at her, uneasy, before she stuttered out half an explanation. he almost grew unduly worried at the beginning of her question, but was relieved by her soft laugh. oblivious, he smiled back without a word. the young man, caught up in his own emotions as always, was unaware of his friend’s stress.

then as if by a curse, a final authority came marching down the hall. the heavyset nurse heaved poe up and away from him. immediately, the lycanthrope leapt to his feet in outrage, but the guard was two steps ahead of him. stan’s hand, like steel jaws on his shoulder as usual, was firmly restraining him from assailing the nurse who dared to take his friend away or touch her in such a gruff manner. until the woman left, xander huffed once and glared in the opposite direction.