but why will you say that I am mad?

[.xander;;]

scratch that. there was a new “hardest thing he’d ever done.” it was opening his eyes to look at poe again. when he saw her expression and how sad he’d made her…and just by sitting there!...he was humiliated. he felt the shame like a weight in his heart, trying to drag him down into the empty state he often fell into when he felt terrible enough about something. he supposed he was always halfway in that state, anyway, and that was why he couldn’t speak. but to not even move? to not even be able to follow others’ movements with his eyes or comprehend their words? how much more that would hurt his friend.

there was no way for him to know she felt the same way, nor was there a way for her to know he did, but xander needed poe to be happy. in both the senses that he wanted her to be happy and that he was happy when he was with her. xander rarely got close to anyone because of how scared of himself and of others he could be, but those he did choose to let in were what he lived for. he had always been that way, but now that he was in a place like the quack shack, with so little people and even littler people who were interested in him, the characteristic was blown out of proportion. no, they had not known each other for a long time at all, and no, he didn’t know why he had chosen to care about her, but that was the way it happened. perhaps he had felt a need in her, too?

xander didn’t need to kill himself in order to die. he already felt dead most of the time. but when he was around someone who had chosen to care about him, he felt the ghost of life passing through him. maybe one day that ghost would be reborn and he would live again. he didn’t know how long it would take or how hard he would have to work for it, but poe’s presence in his life brought him new inspiration to strive for it.

he didn’t let himself plunge into the emptiness. he rejected the darkness that threatened to engulf him and instead looked back at his friend with a strengthened--even if only a little--heart. a smile crossed with both pain and hope curled his lips, and he hoped that his friend would also put forth the effort they both needed to be happy.

[-poe]

she didn't have to be a coward anymore. the hope she saw on xander's face was slight, but it was there. and poe knew that she wasn't so alone anymore, that someone cared about her. in that moment, lucy didn't exist, the quack shack didn't exist, and she felt like she could fly. like both of them could just.. fly away. but a small sound somewhere in the back of the library brought her crashing back down to reality. the blue skies of promise and hope were replaced by the dull walls of their imprisonment, and the raven was caged once more.

despite this, xander was still there. unable to restrain herself, poe reached out and grasped the wolf's hand once more. she never wanted to let go, because this is where it was supposed to be. her hand felt like a key, and xander's hand was the lock. to separate them would just be wrong, almost like sin- though somewhere in her mind, lucy was whispering that it couldn't last. that xander was a phony, just trying to screw with her. for now, poe had the courage not to listen, she only squeezed xander's hand tighter.

it had taken a good long time, but the words poe had been looking for found their way to her lips. "never leave me." she requested softly. it wasn't meant physically, though that would have been nice. she just hoped that xander knew what she meant by it, and somehow she knew that he did. she opened her mouth to add the words struggling to get out of her heart, but fate would have it that she could not say it yet.

a nurse dressed in a blue outfit appeared and, with a look of annoyance on her face, detached poe's hand from xander's. "time for therapy, Lucy." the woman said coldly, and dragged poe away by the wrist. another moment ruined by the quack shack's finest. poe only hoped that it wouldn't be long before the raven and the wolf were reunited.

[/size]