but why will you say that I am mad?

[.xander;;]

north sector release. he had waited for years for this. and where else to celebrate it but the closest thing to his idea of heaven?

xander stood, not motionless as usual but shuffling his feet slightly, before a medium-sized two-story building. the sun hit his back, warming it in a way that no indoor heater could. and despite that he was in the middle of a makeshift city, the lycanthrope reveled in the fresh taste of the air. he had not been outdoors in all his time at the quack shack, and he felt completely free compared to his being shut up in a white room all the time. he would have loved staying outside to further appreciate the day, but he was anxious to step inside the building before him. to be frank, he was more excited than he'd been in twenty-two years.

xander was twenty-one.

"finally brought your master, i see," the guard who checked xander's id at the door said to stan. "no more being the errand boy?"

stanley green, caleb xander's shadow, said jokingly to his guard-peer, "good thing, too. i prefer beating the crap out of him."

a happy smile overtook xander's usually-apathetic face. he was not disappointed in his choice. once inside the library, he was glad to have traded the bright day for this. this was his sanctuary.

dropping his own books in the slot labeled "returns" was oddly gratifying. for a moment, he marveled over the sense of accomplishment, and soon thereafter was lost to the shelves.

usually, stan picked up whatever his hand happened to fall upon, and usually, xander read it, but today he had the chance to be more picky. an idea had already taken root in his mind and he found himself holding an older-looking book entitled "the raven (among other short stories)."

the brunet took a seat at an empty table and stared at the book's cover. with a soft, almost sad smile, he turned it over in his right hand. he found that he was rather fond of, and missed, poe. not edgar allen, but lucy aldridge. he had not seen her since their first meeting in the cafeteria two weeks ago.

pushing the general thought of human relations from his mind, xander turned the pages and began reading the familiar "the tell-tale heart."

[-poe]

Medium risk. Sometimes it seemed like the worst thing in the world, and other times it seemed like she was more free than a bird in the sky. Today, it was like the latter. She was feeling trapped in her little box of a room, so she felt it was time to catch up on her reading. That meant it was off to the Library- a place she wouldn't have been able to go to if she had been High risk.

It wasn't a very long trip to get there, but long enough to give Poe a chance to soak up the sunlight. It occurred to her that she had been freezing, and the sun felt so warming on her shoulders. How could it be that she hadn't noticed before? Was she just used to it? That was probably the case.. Poe had been here long enough to get used to all the Quack Shack's shortcomings, and hardly ever notice them. Besides, these days she spent more time wishing she had more close friends. Part of her resisted, though. What was the point of having friends that could leave or die, or freak out on her at any minute?

At first, she couldn't even think of anyone she would consider becoming friends with. In her thoughts, the trip to the Library seemed twice as long. For a long time, she merely stared at her worn converse as they were placed one in front of the other, her hands stuffed lazily in her pockets. Then, to her utter disgust, Lucy came up with an idea. What about that delicious Animal we ran into at the cafeteria? I'd still love to have a chance at him! The seductive voice was sickening to Poe, but she had to admit her other half had a point.

What had his name been...? Xander, that was it. She had thought about him a few times since their encounter, always fondly. These thoughts found her at the library, and she immediately when to scan her usual shelf, where her favorite worn book always sat. No one ever checked it out, so she was startled to find a gap between the books where it was suppose to be. What were the odds someone stole her favorite book by her namesake author? "Damn," she muttered under her breath, "Who stole The Raven?"

Well, she had come this far, so she might as well find something else to read. In her scanning of titles, she stumbled across an almost empty table, at which sat a familiar face, holding a familiar book. A grin immediately played across her face, along with a look of fake anger. "How dare you steal my book!" She accused, her grin not fading for a moment.

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[.xander;;]

as a rule, he tended to read rather slowly. it wasn't that he was incapable of reading fast, but rather that he found it was easier to appreciate what he took in at a slowed pace. it was for this reason the brunet was only halfway through "the cask of amontillado" when he was verbally assaulted by a voice he happily recognized.

"your book!" he would have said. "pardon me, i thought this was a public library!"

instead, the mute shut the book mid-sentence without complaint and slowly pushed it to the other side of the table, towards her. in all honesty, he had not at all expected to see poe here. of course, she was permitted here, as her status of medium-risk implied, but he figured if not the cafeteria and not the group therapy room, why here?

not that he was disappointed.

immediately after surrendering the book, he pulled the notepad and pen from his jacket pocket, considerably eager to talk to his friend. that is, if his "illness" hadn't deterred her after all. he doubted it, though, by the way she was playing with him. only friends smiled and cursed at the same time.

it was all a trap, you see, xander wrote on the paper. he flaunted a coy smile. and you fell for it, foolish girl. mwahaha!

perhaps an added threat to devour her flesh would have been entertaining as well, but the lycanthrope was just a little bit sensitive on that subject. he could not stand others' jokes regarding it, much less his own.

[-poe]

Poe had hardly figured he would hand over the book so quickly- after all, she had been mostly joking. she quirked a brow at him in surprise, and was equally- if not more -surprised when he immediately pulled out his notebook and wrote to her. who was this boy? certainly not the same shy one she'd met in the cafeteria. this one seemed eager to talk- at least, in his own way. something Poe had hardly expected when she'd teased him. she was about to talk a seat in the chair opposite Xander when Lucy decided to ruin her good day.

See, see? He wants us, too! Let me have fun with him, Poe, oh please! Poe's hand rose immediately to her head, as if she were feeling faint. Her other hand held into the back of the chair for support while Lucy went on, We can throw a book at the guard- or better yet, use that bit of metal you picked off from under your bed, and get him with it! One slash across the throat, that's all it will take! And that delicious little animal will be all ours!

the urge to do as she was told was more powerful than usual, but Poe would not have this encounter fucked up. with a great deal of effort, she pulled her hand from her head and used it to pull out the chair and sit down. a few pinkish nailmarks were etched on her forehead, but Poe immediately swept her bangs over them. She took another look at what was written on the notebook, and a nervous chuckle escaped her lips.

"A trap, eh? Yeah, you got me good." Suddenly remembering the reason she had come this way, she pushed the book back toward Xander. "You keep it, I've read it a hundred times already. I should probably read something new.." The skinny brunette put her elbow on the table, and rested her chin on her hand as she looked at him. This was her 'casual pose', and for some reason she did it a lot when trying to cover up breakdowns. "Any recommendations?" Poe inquired, her green gaze holding Xander's.

[.xander;;]

at poe’s ill look, xander became slightly concerned and his smile took a turn for the worse. she appeared to be relieved once seated, however, so he didn’t mention it. he hoped, even, to forget it, but poe was now the object of his affection, and the slightest hint that she was not perfectly okay would etch itself in his mind. rather stupid, he thought, since this was an asylum and no one was ever perfectly okay.

she went on talking and grinning, like they were already the best of friends. the smile returned to his face in response to hers and his ears kind of turned off as he looked at her. he hadn’t noticed on their first and last visit that past the slight turn-off of the anorexia, poe was a very lovely girl. her dark hair strongly accented her soft blue eyes, and although pale, they held life that his lacked. not to mention her hair and her face were gorgeous as well, even with their flaws. xander of all people knew to overlook the flaws. in fact, he thought she was the prettiest girl he had seen since--

no. she would not infect his mind anymore. he had moved on. he had moved on long ago, and he would tolerate no memory of the girl who had betrayed his trust. she wasn’t worth it. she hated him. she loathed him like the vicious animal he was.

but poe did not. poe had accepted xander. and poe, to him, was more beautiful than any other girl ever was.

self-consciously, he ran a hand through his own dark brown hair, exposing his green-blue eyes for what was likely the first time in front of poe. the glimpse lasted only a second, however, and he was unaware of the interest it might spark in the young woman.

her words registered in his mind moments after she stopped talking, and he silently thanked god or whoever controlled the universe for giving him the gift of an extraordinary sound memory. he raised one finger to signify he’d be back in a minute and took off into the shelves, with the raven in tow. the young man emerged a few minutes later with two more books in his hand. normally, he would have taken only seconds, but he wasn’t quite used to this library’s arrangement yet. soon, though, he would have it memorized from top to bottom.

after laying the books in front of poe, he again sat and grabbed the notepad. sorry they’re not poetry or anything, but they’re worth it. that one--he pointed to a clockwork orange--is slightly disturbing and rather confusing to read, but i liked it. and this one is just…brilliant. you need to read it to understand. now he pointed to slaughterhouse five. so, xander was into sci fi. maybe he was even a closet trekkie.

[-poe]

just a gimped- a split second, maybe less -was all the view she got of her friends' eyes. but in the second, she was mesmerized by them, and hoped it wouldn't be too awfully long until she got to see them again. but what was pure in her mind, was just another agonizing moment for Lucy- and for the few moments Xander disappeared into the bookshelves, she raved like a schoolgirl at Poe about him.

Oh, did you see! Of course you saw- but aren't they amazing! I'd tear out his bangs if you gave me the chance, Lucy! Just let me at him, and we swim in his eyes whenever we want- and you know I'm right! Poe knew it. Her hand twitched- she almost made a move to get up and chase after him in books, but then the urge was over. Lucy had lost again, and Poe sat down fully in her chair again. Why was it getting so hard to control her these days? What if they moved her up High Risk? She wouldn't be able to see Xander again for a long time, and Lucy wouldn't like that at all...

The brunette was smiling mildly again by the time Xander returned with the two books, as if nothing had happened. For all he knew, nothing had happened. She had no intention of bringing it up, either. She looked at his scrawled message, and then at the books in front of her. They both looked interesting, and she couldn't wait to read them. Carefully, she placed one on top of the other and drew them closer to her- there was no way they were leaving her sight now -and looked up at Xander again.

"They do look interesting," she said, a strange note of disappointment in her voice, "But when am I ever going to find the time! My days are jam-packed. I've got therapy, I've got to eat, sleep.. That only leaves about.. 9 hours of my day open." Poe shook her head sadly, and spread her palms upward. "I just don't think it's in the cards, my friend." Her voice was convincingly sad, but the whole time, her grin gave her away. One thing she couldn't control was her smile- when it came, it came.

Plenty of time for it, Lucy! Just think of what we could do to him, or better yet, what he could do to us! It's would be the bang of the century, and don't you dare disagree with me! I bet he'd be an animal in bed, too, don't you think? Just like that rat of an ex-husband was. He wasn't good for much besides sex, you know. I'm glad you killed him. The malicious, sickly-sweet voice was loud, louder than Poe had heard it in a long time. One of her hands started to twitch again. Poe closed her eyes, and put her fingers to her forehead- trying to get it to stop. But since we've been stuck here, we haven't had -any-. Oh, god I miss it, Lucy. Maybe you shouldn't have killed him, hmm? Didn't you love him, after all? God, you're such a whore. I bet this one knows you're easy. It was so loud, so unbearably loud.

"Shut UP!" Poe leaped to her feet, and suddenly she was back in the silent library, her fingernails cutting trenches into her cheekbones. Only little cuts had formed, but the rest was pink, as if the skin were close to breaking open further. Xander was before her, along his shadow. She sat quietly back down, unsure was to do. Tears dripped from the corners of her eyes as she looked back and forth between Xander and his guard. Had she just lost her friend, and her privileges?

[.xander;;]

but you don’t particularly like eating, remember? he wrote with a faint grin. that leaves two more hours. surely you could read a page or two in that time.

another thing the brunet noticed strongly about poe--how much she smiled. it was amazing how much lighter he felt when he was around someone who often had a happy expression on their face. misery loved company, he knew that, but he decided then that mirth loved company just as much.

though xander did not hear the voice that plagued poe’s mind, he could tell something was wrong by instinct. he didn’t, however, know the extent of it until the woman showed signs of her discomfort. her loud shout and sudden movement made him jump and growl in surprise very quietly. thinking he had done something wrong, he was tempted to ask what the matter was. then, as she sat back down, he saw the extensive force she was gripping her face with and the tears that she had shed.

now the young man was the one who shot up from his seat. stan looked slightly taken aback, but made no move to restrain xander as he reached across the table. the brunet took each of poe’s hands in his own and removed them forcefully but softly from her face before she did further damage to it. her cheeks were red from the pressure exerted by her nails, but there was no real harm done.

xander was not the type who liked to touch or be touched. it wasn’t that he was a germophobe or that had a history of being molested. he had always been just one of those guys who didn’t very much appreciate physical contact. his reason now was legitimate compared to before he went “crazy,” as he was reminded by gripping his friend’s hands. heightened senses included touch, and that meant he was sensitive enough to feel the pressure of blood that flowed through human veins. personally, he didn’t really have a major problem with that besides it being slightly creepy, but the wolf went crazy over the feel of it. blood! he would feel it snarling eagerly. blood! take it! take it! and the beast was hard to resist. it hurt to resist.

his hands shook as they released poe’s before he went mad, only to return to her face. without even thinking about what he was doing, the young man gripped her face with a gentleness he was surprised to still have and wiped away the tears she had already cried. he did not let go of her although the beast again excited itself at the feeling of rushing blood, and he did not look away from her face. that brought forth another weakness of his, and perhaps his biggest one. he was forced to look at his left hand because it was right in his line of sight. that hand was something he struggled constantly to hide or forget about, the reason being the hideous scar that covered it. he had been bitten on that hand, and though it healed and was perfectly mobile, he hated seeing it because it always brought to him too-vivid memories of the attack.

though said memories threatened powerfully to overtake his mind, xander resisted. he resisted for poe. poe had been strong enough to look past the monster he held inside and smiled at him when it had been more sensible for her to run away. how could he live with himself if he put forth any less effort than she? no matter how terribly the wolf wanted blood, and no matter how heavily the horrifying images in his memory weighed on his mind, he would be strong for poe. he did not give in to his weaknesses and he did not let his face betray their presence. his eyes firmly held poe’s and his face showed concern for her and only her.

stan was almost at a loss of what to do. thankfully, not too many people were cultured enough to hang around in the library, and those who did were not very surprised when someone got annoyed enough to yell “shut up!” so attention was no longer focused on them. had any figure of authority been watching, he would restrain xander and scold him for making physical contact with another resident. however, there were none, and the boy was doing no harm, so his guard simply continued being the silent shadow.

[-poe]

anywhere else, it couldn't have happened. if there had been any other guard there, it wouldn't have happened. someone would have been called, poe would have been carted away and possibly given the title of high-risk. xander wouldn't have been able to get close to her, to help her, least of all touch her.

she watched carefully as he stood and moved closer to her, and flinched slightly as his hands closed around her own. in the bast few months, she'd barely shaken hands with anyone in the joint, and as such as forgotten the comfort someone else's hands could give. she gave a shuddering sob as he moved her hands away from her cheeks, one of relief more than her being upset. she made to look away when he released her hands at least, but too quickly did his hands reach her face. goosebumps spread on her face like the ripple a stone makes when it hits the water of a small pond.

when she saw the concern written all over his face, she was surprised to find a warm flush in her cheeks- she was blushing like a schoolgirl. lost in his eyes, not even lucy had anything to say- she wanted this moment as much as poe did. the feeling of being touched again, at last. lucy wasn't stupid enough to ruin it, but poe knew she had her own agenda and would make her intentions fully clear later, when they were alone again. her tears wiped away, and the immediate fear of being turned were gone, and poe dropped her eyes from his in relief.

with her own hands, she drew xander's away from her face, but did not let go. her right hand gripped his left, and the tips of her fingers brushed against the scar there. carefully, she took her other hand and used it to run her finger along the length of the scar. it seemed revolting that such gentle hands should be scarred in such away, and she looked back up xander. "i suppose we all have scars.." she whispered, barely audible. she wanted to take the pain away from him- whatever it was.

poe had no idea that the lusts of her own alter-ego were similar to those of the beast in xander, all she knew was that whatever was hidden within him was much worse than lucy could ever be. at this moment, she would have still taken the burden upon herself for his sake. if that were so, he would be able to get out of this place, even if it meant she would be left behind.

her eyes dropped down to where their hands were intertwined, and she shook her head slightly. "i'm so sorry, xander. i'm so sorry." it wasn't merely her outburst that she was sorry for- it was an apology for what they both had to deal with on a daily basis, an apology that they were stuck here.. an apology for the unfairness of the world. if only sorry could help anyone, she thought. the world would be a much better place.

[.xander;;]

it was probably one of the hardest things he had ever done. he felt like he was being crushed and ripped apart all at once. not even human contact, real contact, not just touch, chased away the wolf, and not even comfort or the desire to protect silenced the haunting memories. poe’s hands on his was the gentlest thing he had felt in years, but at the same time, he felt like his skin was on fire. it boiled his blood and aggravated the wolf. he felt it pacing around and growling, drastically irritated by the presence of another being. though the beast was agitated, it didn’t attack yet.

then poe found his scar. a frantic alarm sounded in xander’s head when the sensitive flesh was touched by someone else, and at that point he felt the wolf howling with rage and ripping at him from the inside, trying to claw its way out of his skin. if it had been anyone else, the lycanthrope would not have been able to resist his darker side. but this was his friend, and she had no idea that what she was doing would provoke the monster inside of him. xander fought the beast like he had never fought it before, and although it snapped at him, sunk its teeth into his flesh, tore him apart, he fought it. he was better off as its victim. not poe. not his friend. the wolf found that its holding cell was not going to permit its release and it halted its attack.

violent trembling was the only outward sign of xander’s plight with the beast. when she ceased her inspection of the scar and drew her attention back to his face, the man could no longer hide all of his pain from her. his eyes were hurt, frightened, and exhausted in the same look. he could tell by her face that she noticed, which made him cringe. she didn’t need to concern herself about the pain he was in. what about hers?

poe’s eyes fell from his and xander immediately shut his in agony. no. i’m sorry. he willed himself to say it. he tried to. his mouth wouldn’t even open. what would his friend think? speaking was such an imperative part of communication. without it, one seemed lifeless, like they didn’t care about anything. but xander found himself caring about her pain more than he had bothered to care about anything for a very long time. she was so concerned about him, and all he could do was sit there.

i’m sorry! he cried in despair, but not out loud. xander trembled helplessly. he was sorry. sorry for the same reason poe was, but also sorry that she felt that way, and sorry, so very sorry, that he couldn’t tell her so.

though he was no longer plagued by the wolf’s lust, he felt sick clinging to poe’s hands. still shaking slightly, he withdrew his hands until only the tips of their fingers were still touching. for a moment, he stayed there, for some part of him didn’t want to let go of her. but she was right in front of him, he told himself, and he couldn’t face her touch anymore. she had a voice to aid her hands. he had none, and he broke their contact when his fingers slipped away from hers and into fists. the brunet found that familiar gold-black eyes glared at him from the backs of his eyelids, but for once in his life, he found them easier to face than reality. he knew the wolf hated him, but he didn’t want to find that the raven did, too.

[-poe]

his hands, his body, trembled unexpectedly. poe had wanted for them moment to never end, but when his hands retreated, she couldn't bear to grip him tighter, to make it continue. if he needed to end it, then she couldn't force the moment on- as much as she wanted to. she hung her head, almost in shame. why couldn't she fix what was wrong with him? somehow, during their still-new friendship, poe had started blaming herself for it. her need to be near someone- maybe if made him worse, and she was just being selfish.

she knew somewhere in the rational part of her brain that this was a silly idea. they'd known each other for such a short time.. and yet it seemed like it'd been years already. and she wanted to be with him all the time, despite the fact that she was in danger every time she was near him. she'd seen that he could lose it, and was in fact, far crazier than she was. that small, rational part of her brain tried relentlessly to convince her that xander was bad news, but it failed every time.

even now, she wanted to throw her arms around him, cry into his shoulder, and find comfort in her one and only friend. did he need her that way, too? poe could only guess. and she felt bad about it, but she hoped that he did. it was a great feeling to need, and at the same time to be needed by someone else. somewhere in the back of her mind, lucy confirmed her selfishness. told her that she was just thinking of herself, and that she didn't deserve to have someone like xander need her. almost noticeably, she shook her head and tried to tell herself that lucy was wrong. she did deserve to have someone.

slowly, poe raised her head to look at him again, but she couldn't find anything to say to him. a few times, she opened her mouth to say something, and then closed it again. a slight frown crossed her lips, and she felt a stab of pity for her friend. while she couldn't find anything to say now, he was never able to say anything, except through a notebook. she wouldn't be able to stand that, even here, she felt that if she was in his shoes, she would have found some way to end her ow life. sometimes in her own shoes she felt that she couldn't take it anymore.. but lucy always told her that she was a coward, and would never have the guts to do it. so she never did.

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