the lost pages. -poe.

[-poe]

T H E
L O S T
P A G E S

day 1;

i think i can still feel the blood on my hands. they don't make water hot enough to wash away the scum of manslaughter. manslaughter. that's what the other lawyer called it. my own said it was because i'm crazy. am i crazy? i suppose i'd have to be, now that i'm stuck here. i always thought i was normal. but apparently, though we all have demons, not everyones' tell them to stab their husband. and not all of them listen.

maybe if they listened to their demons they would speak to them. since i'm here i decided that lucy is my demon, and poe is my sanctuary. though the nurses all call me lucy, the guards and the doctors too, that's not who i am. lucy killed alex. poe was horrified, shocked, even, to find the blood on her own hands. even now she's telling me to shut up and quit writing about her. she tries to control my hand, but since i've been on new meds, she has less power over my body.

for that, and that alone, am i happy to be in hell.

[-poe]

day 20;

lucy is coming back. i have more trouble resisting her, especially when i am enjoying myself. of course, this does not happen often here, so for that i am lucky. isn't it strange that the word lucky is but one letter shy of lucy? i feel anything but right now. she's building a resistance to the drugs. will they have to give me a stronger dose?

no. because i won't tell them. they can't figure out who's poe and who's lucy, so it's their fault. they should have given me a guard so that he or she can stop lucy. i don't know how much longer i'll be able to. but oh, wouldn't it just show them how stupid they are. sticking me with the medium-risk label and giving me access to most of the grounds. maybe this will show them that they should have put me on high-risk, with my own padded cell and constant shadowing guard.

even now as i look at those words, i know they're more of lucy's words than my own. i wouldn't want anyone to get hurt, but someone might. and lucy sure as hell isn't going to let me tell anyone about her newfound strength. she's not an idiot, i'll give her that at least.

[-poe]

day 34;

she's causing me pain again. lucy, that is. i can't stand it when she talks to me in the dark, and i dig my fingernails into my arms, hands or legs. even though i bite them down as much as I can, I press and press until I get the sweet release of blood onto white sheets and uniform pajamas. they punish me, of course.. but they have more worrisome people to care about. someone like me doesn't warrant much trouble.

it's nice to have something that will shut her up, though. at least for a while. usually after i do that, i can sleep for a little while. but i've been having dreams about it again, about alex. mostly about the actions he took before i stabbed him. lucy delights in it, but i wake up with tears staining my pillow. it's then that i wish i was her, so i wouldn't be so upset. she's always satisfied when we wake up, as opposed to me. although i can tell she wants more than just dreams. i won't let her, and neither will the guards and doctors in the Quack Shack. patient relations are strictly prohibited. again, i am grateful for that.

i try to make friends now and then, but it doesn't work. i find it hard to be with the patients, but I always feel like they're too crazy. i try and tell myself that i am crazy too, but i always thought i was normal. it's hard to break the habit. the criminals in this place all think -i'm- crazy, so it's hard to make friends with them.

i guess i'll keep trying.

[-poe]

day 47;

at last, at last. i've made a friend. well.. maybe he's not.. but i think he is. i think we're friends. it's so hard to tell because he doesn't talk, and i'm lousy at reading expressions. go figure that we became friends, yeah? his name is Xander. well, his real name is Caleb, but he doesn't like to be called that, just as I am Poe and not Lucy. I told him that, but it doesn't really matter because he doesn't call anyone anything. he's a great listener, though.

but in the midst of this happiness, i've had some trouble. the night of alex's death came to me again, but this time it came to me during the day, when a blonde girl attacked her guard. i didn't discover her name, but I think she might have been autistic. i can't be sure of anything.

and i am afraid of being friends with Xander, sort of. i really enjoy talking to him, but Lucy really -really- likes him, and it worries me. she wants him, but not like i want to be friends with him.

for now, i'll just be careful.

[-poe]

day 52;

they gave me a new therapist. i'm actually looking forward to meeting him- he seems like a nice guy. dr. Kurtz or something like that. i hear that he has some sort of cat fetish. that scares me a little bit- after all, you know what cats do to birds, don't you? but i'm sure he's okay. better than the last douchebag who treated me.

-to be continued-