.kick drum beating in my chest again

[.xander;;]

in the moment where poe returned his gesture, xander felt his heart stop. was it really possible? could she really share this feeling with him? it was unreal in and of itself, but as a two-way street? simply fantastic. about as reasonable as unicorns and fairies and... werewolves.

a shiver crawled quickly up his spine in response to the movement of her hands and suddenly, the dark room felt very warm. before he could object to her sudden movement away, she uttered three words, three words he didn't believe he actually heard.

what little thought he could process was interrupted when he was blinded suddenly. a quiet yip escaped his throat and his eyes refused to open before they adjusted to the sudden light. when he finally worked up the strength to look around again, he found stan staring at them accusingly with his hand on a lightswitch. the guard's narrowed eyes first widened in surprise, then softened knowingly. the "intruders" had gone, so they were no longer in immediate danger, and he remembered many a time he had been in the patients' position. how could he do anything to pull them apart now? he knew how xander cared for poe. so rather than ordering them out, like his gut told him he should, he let his eyes wander over the rest of the room and come to rest on a second, smaller door towards the back of the room.

unsure at first of stan's silence, xander put his arms protectively around poe, making it clear that he wasn't about to let her go. especially not after the words she spoke began to register in his mind. he glanced sideways at her, checking for a joking expression, which he knew he wouldn't find but nonetheless worried he might. when he looked back at stan, his gaze followed the guard's and he saw the door as well. he didn't have the slightest idea where it led, but it was a potential opportunity...

he glanced again at stan, then at poe, asking her silently to explore it with him.

[-poe]

with the sudden reality of the light, poe feared everything might be lost. were her words going to fade into nothing, never to be acknowledged? stan's hulking presence indicated as much, and poe bit her lip. not now, please not now.. she hadn't dared utter those words since that dreadful night when she'd killed her husband. it raced through her mind in dreadful clarity.

he was on top of her. he slapped her again. "say it, bitch."
she cried, sobbed, shook her head. it only earned her another slap.
"say it!" he growled.
between the sobs she choked out, "i.. love.. you.."

poe squeezed her eyes shut and tried to block it out, xander was putting his arms protectively around her. his embrace was so different, not controlling, like his had been. only loving, only caring. in xander's arms, breathing in his scent, it began to be easier to forget her past sins.. this was all that mattered. she opened her eyes again to find she was being asked silently into this second room- stan wasn't going to stop them after all! hardly able to get out of his sights, to be alone again with her dearest love, poe left his embrace to go the door and opened it, where she stood waiting for xander to enter.

[.xander;;]

forgetting to even show stan his gratitude, xander hurriedly followed poe as if attached to her by some kind of invisible bond. in his mind, her last words echoed endlessly in his head. he could hardly believe they had come out of her mouth, but there they were, clear as day in his mind.

i love you, she had said. and as he entered the next room, taking her hand, another voice in his head which he recognized as his own, clearly said, and i love you. but his lips could not conjure the same words so clearly.

this new, smaller room was empty and bare, rather the opposite of what he felt. an urge rose in him to change this immediately. he closed the door behind them and allowed his eyes to adjust to the very dim light breaking under the door. first it was black, then he saw poe's silhouette near him, and finally he could make out her facial features dimly.

regretting that no words came from him as they had from her, but wanting her to know he felt them, xander took the hand of who presently served as his entire world. his eyes confidently met hers as he moved her hand and rested it finally over the zipper of his hoodie. he could not speak, but through this simple gesture, he could completely surrender himself to her. he could not speak, but he could tell her that he was hers unconditionally. his intentions were crystal clear, even in the dark room.

let me show you that i love you, too.


stan faced the door to the hallway with a face of regret. his instict said undiscerningly that this was a mistake. somehow, some way, something bad was going to come of this. he knew entirely what was going to go down in the next room, and that if anyone else ever found out, he would be fired; and even worse than that, xander and poe would be separated forever. patient relationships were strictly forbidden, and yet he still could not bring himself to snatch the two and throw them out into the open, where they couldn't do anything. he could not be the one responsible for breaking them apart. it was clear to him that xander's feelings for poe were what kept him going most days, even if the patient himself didn't realize it. and while he didn't want to hurt his guarded, he could also relate to the feeling of young love, and being trapped with nowhere else to turn to.

sighing, he rubbed his temples frustratedly and convinced himself to let them be. this was his way of telling xander that he knew what he was going through, that he cared. at this point, he could only wait.

[-poe]

her hand resting lightly on the zipper of his hoodie, first poe traced her fingers carefully to rest them over his heart. she then put her her ear to it and listened, felt, was in tune with his heart. a feeling of elation washed over poe. she took xander's hand a brought it up to rest over her own racing heart. it was beating, throbbing wildly only for him. she cared only about him in this moment, the rest of the world might as well not even exist. at last she brought her hand back to the zipper of his hoodie and gently, slowly, tugged it down and open. those pale hands went up to his shoulders and slid the jacket off his arms, where she let it fall to the floor, another piece of the world that didn't matter anymore.

she felt no fear, no regrets, no bad feelings. poe wanted this, and if she had to take reins, so be it. lifting up on her toes, she gave her love a quick kiss. quick, yes, but full of every emotion she'd ever had for him. then she pulled back and slid her own white tank top over her head, leaving her anorexic torso to be kissed by the chill air. goosebumps ran up her spine and down her arms. she was suddenly glad of the darkness for the few scars that ran along her sides and abdomen.. more signs that she belonged here. poe knew that he would love her despite them, but she felt overly aware of her flaws nonetheless.

next her fingers, now shaking from anticipation, found their way up to the top button of xander's shirt. taking a slow breath, she slid the button through the hole, leaving a bare patch of skin visible. she waited for a sign of resistance- there was none. they went down to the next button, undoing it, and the next and the next until his shirt hung open. inhaling shakily, she ran her hands up the length of his chest to his shoulders and pulled the shirt to the floor.

at this, she sneaked her arms back around xander's waist and held him close. her own breath was shallow with anxiety, excitement. this is what he wanted, wasn't it? this is what every man wanted.. she was ready, so ready to give it to him.

[.xander;;]

a small, docile grin graced his lips when poe showed him that his was not the only heart pounding wildly out of control. his seemed to hammer even faster as she took his lead and removed just about half of their clothing. his bare skin tingled, out of the chill from the cool room or out of blissful hysteria, he couldn't tell. like poe, he felt self-conscious when he realized his left hand was exposed, but found it easier to ignore in the dim light.

his heart practically pounded out of his chest and he swore he felt it against his ribcage as his skin touched hers. he wrapped his arms around her small form with little hesitation, every moment finding his once-lost strength returning. he allowed for a brief moment of stillness, then felt excitement overwhelm him and he pulled back gently. carefully, meaningfully, his hands traced back around her body and inspected every curve from her waist to her neck. she felt so small and frail beneath his strong hands, it almost made him sad. however, her clear fervor in this meeting prevented him from submitting to such disheartening thoughts. he could hardly believe that she shared this feeling with him; that she wanted to share this moment with him, and all that entailed...

without further delay, he rid them both of any remaining cloth that stood keeping them apart, every movement growing more and more assured. her enthusiasm to partake in this intimate meeting rekindled every shred of courage he had ever possessed. what was once lost, was now more powerful than it had ever been, and he was ready. he was ready for this--for her. his chest welled with strength and love, overflowing until something had to be released. and quietly but steadily, three words were liberated from the now unlocked cage of his chest.

"i love you."