.requiem;;xander

[.xander;;]

bryan adams once said,
right now i feel
just like a leaf on a breeze
who knows where it's blowing
and who knows where i'm going





.this is my requiem
.here is my heart
.this is my pain
.here are my memories;;

[.xander;;]

the rasmus once said,
you say i'm heartless
and you say i don't care
i used to be there for you
and you've said i seem so dead
that i have changed
but so have you





//three months
//16
//6.12.04//15:21

it's saturday... can i have my call..?
...
you have five minutes.
...
hello?
hi, julie.
caleb! i'm glad you called.
yeah.
...
so how's daughtry?
oh, you know... dull. same as always. how's stonebridge?
the usual. y'know. crazy.
haha, of course.
it's so good to hear your voice, jules.
yours too.
...
oh, caleb, i miss you so much.
i miss you too.
...
julie, how long can they keep me here?
...until they think you're well, i guess.
why should i pretend to be something i'm not?
and what exactly is it, caleb, that you're not?
human.
oh, caleb. you're not a werewolf.
i've transformed into a wolf before. and i'll do it again.
caleb, please.
you think i'm crazy, too. you're the only one i have, and you think i'm crazy, too.
i do not think you're crazy. i just think you need help.
i don't need help, julie. i need to get out of here.
you won't get out until you're cured.
you can't cure a werewolf.
your mind, cay.
there's nothing wrong with my mind. i'm not crazy.
wrap it up, mr. xander.
...caleb, i miss you so much. it's hard without you. please cooperate with them so they'll let you go.
julie, you don't get it. i don't need--
please, caleb! i can't stand being away from you! the sooner you let them help you, the sooner you can come home!
...
please try, cay. for me. try for me.
your five minutes are up, mr. xander.
...
please, caleb. promise you'll try.
... i promise.
thank you, caleb.
mr. xander, the phone is a privelege, not a right!
i love you, julie.
i love you, too, caleb.

//15:28;;

[/size]

[.xander;;]

hoobastank once said,
you're so much more than a memory
so don't close the door on what still can be
on you and me
because you're so much more than a memory
please don't go





//one year, five months
//8.17.05//14:15
//17

julie's letter came today.

caleb, what the fuck happened?

why did you kill those people, caleb? how could you?

i didn't want to believe them when they told me. but i got subpoenaed because i 'know you so well'. court, caleb. they're taking your crazy ass to court.

as far as i'm concerned, i was wrong about you. you're exactly what you say you are. a monster. and i hope they treat you like one, whether you end up in the electric chair or a padded room.

don't call me anymore. don't send me letters. stay the hell away from me.;;

[.xander;;]

the offspring once said,
if we don’t make it alive
well, it’s a hell of a good day to die
all our light that shines strong
only lasts for so long





//one week
//16
//3.15.04//20:25

they told me that i should keep a journal. it’ll help me get through this, they said. it’ll give me a release.

i know they’re full of shit. actually, i’m rather insulted that they think i’m not clever enough to figure them out. i know this is for their gain, not mine. i know they’re going to swipe this while i’m sleeping or something and look through it, monitoring how i really feel about all this. well, let the fuckers. i’ll keep the entries jumbled up and flip to a random page every time i make a new entry. see how they like that.

as far as the actual journal goes…

my name is caleb vance xander. i’m sixteen years old and i’m a sophomore at daughtry high school in new jersey. or at least i used to be. now i’m in stonebridge mental institute because, as of december of last year, 2003, i am a werewolf. they just think i’m crazy. they can jump off a goddamn cliff.

when i was eight, my parents divorced. my dad found an apartment not too far, but i never really bothered visiting him. we weren’t that close. the last time i saw him was last year after school one day. i thought i would drop by to see if he was still alive. i regretted it afterwards. it was like talking to a total stranger.
did the divorce affect my mental health? hell, i wonder about any kid who isn’t traumatized when one of their parents leaves them. but it didn’t drive me insane. i got over it. why should i miss something i never had anyway? sometimes i don’t think i’m even related to my parents.

i’ve been going out with julie young for six months and i love her to death. julie has gorgeous chestnut hair and bright, happy green eyes, as well as a perfect personality. as long as i have her, i don’t need anyone else. she didn’t immediately label me as nuts when she found out what happened to me. she actually cares about me.
we met by chance. i never noticed her before our names were plucked out of a hat and paired up for a history project. like me, she didn’t draw a whole lot of attention to herself in crowds, but we opened up to each other relatively quickly. at first, we were just friends, but eventually something clicked. neither of us is really sure when exactly it started, but we’re inseparable now. i’ve already gotten and responded to two letters from her in the six days i’ve been here.

i make decent grades. i like my house and my town. i enjoy living. i am content. i fail to see how any of this makes me mentally unstable. what someone becomes physically has nothing to do with mental health. i am not a defiant person by nature, but i refuse to humor these people on the quality of my sanity.;;

[.xander;;]

10 years once said,
change my attempt good intentions
crouched over, you were not there living in fear
but signs were not really that scarce--obvious tears
but i will not hide you through this; i want you to help
and please see the bleeding heart perched on my shirt
die, withdraw, hide in cold sweat, quivering lips





//five years, one month
//21
//4.4.09//20:58

poe is a moderate-risk. she has a voice in her head. it must be a really crazy voice, because she didn’t run away screaming when i lost it in front of her. she wants to hang out with me again. i'm not sure that she knows what i'm capable of. but having someone else around...

she has me totally thrown off. i don't know what to expect. it’s kind of exciting, i guess. she’s the first one i’ve met here who doesn’t totally hate my guts. my first friend. well, aside from stan. and dan. he should be here to switch out with stan outside my door any minute... That usually means lights out, so I should stop writi

stan.
dan. … and nurse steele?
mr. green! your behavior in the cafeteria this afternoon was absolutely unacceptable!
excuse me?
another guard was physically assaulted less than five feet from you and you simply stood there! and you left without a word when asked to explain what had happened!
she didn’t actually ask me. and i was accompanying xander out of the cafeteria before he caused a similar ruckus.
wait just a minute, you followed the patient?
did someone expect me to let him leave without his guard?
this is unacceptable! the patient does not control your actions! you control the patient’s!
he has a name, and he can hear you.
and that you actually mind whether the patient hears is precisely why you’re in this predicament! your job is to ensure the patient’s physical restraint and let us worry about the patient’s mental state!
just because you don’t consider these people to be human--
stan, shut up.
you shut up! there are no rules requiring us to treat the patients like animals.
mr. green, i would appreciate it if you did not deface our establishment!
you obviously don’t need my help--
stanley, shut up and go home.
…
... mr. green, this is your first and only slip up in over four years of service. we will overlook it this once, but next time, consider yourself unemployed.

…

i don’t want stan to lose his job over me... why can’t he treat me like shit like everyone else?

“i’ve been where you are now. i know you’ll come through.”

maybe i will get out of this cage eventually... but can he do it again?

i’m sorry. it’s because of me.

that woman... how does he stand her?
i expect he's used to it.
oh, really now?
stan. what you did was stupid. don't mess this up, too.
i never messed anything up and you know it!
the city of hendrix doesn't think so.
hell with what they think! damn that georg, he still can't keep from villanizing me--
georg isn't the one who made you leave. just because he set you up thirteen years ago doesn't mean he's still after you now.
how the hell could you know that, dan! you weren't the one in juvenile hall through high school! no one would subject a person to that if they didn't hate them enough to keep antagonizing them afterwards!
stan, you're being an idiot. go home.
...
i trust carnival to have broken his nose pretty good... i just hope she breaks his neck next time.
get out, stan.
... hey, kid. see you tomorrow.

//21:13;;

[/size]

[.xander;;]

mcr once said,
i’ve been a bad motherfucker





//one year, eight months
//11.11.05//20:15
//18

fuck.

i’m retarded or something. they told me to behave. for two months, that’s all they would tell me. hell, i’m in a straitjacket when i’m not in this room. what the fuck do they think i could do?!

…

what do i want to do?

i don’t...mean to snarl at people. i don’t mean to be threatening or to chase people away. but… some part of me does. it wants to do more than that, even. i look at someone, just completely innocently, and that monster puts these horrible images in my mind. and…i was really into those slasher movies when i was younger. i practically lived on them for a year. but what the wolf thinks up… what it makes me want to do…

…

i didn’t fix my behavior. i can’t just ignore a fucking animal in my head and i don’t know why the fuck they expect me to be able to, but i can’t. so they replaced larry and phil.

larry and phil weren’t afraid to beat the shit out of me when i screwed up. hell, they chipped my teeth, they blackened my eyes, they knocked me out. … but the guys that replaced them… stan and dan. they’re taller, stronger…they fucking look like they’re each five men packed into one. and they won’t stop scowling at me. they’re just waiting until i fuck up the tiniest thing…

i obviously wouldn’t admit it to any person, but they scare the hell out of me. if larry and phil knocked me out for fun, these guys are going to fucking kill me. it isn’t like the world wouldn’t be better off without me, but…;;

[.xander;;]

nickelback once said,
heaven’s gates won’t open up for me
with these broken wings i’m falling
and all i see is you
these city walls ain’t got no love for me
i’m on the ledge of the eighteenth story
and oh i scream for you





//one year, six months
//9.20.05//21:37
//17


i guess i should face some things now. … i’m tired of hiding from myself. i know i could do it forever, but what good would it do?

i haven’t been able to talk since…since i screwed up. i can’t say anything. i want to, sometimes. once in a while. but i can’t. it’s like i don’t have a voice anymore. like i wasn’t even born with one.

… my mother never paid much attention to me after she and my father broke up.
she became even more distant when i went “crazy.” and i thought that was bad. she all but disowned me after what i did. i guess…i don’t really feel as bad about that as i should. i should be mortified, but… i’m not. i don’t even really care. how bad is that? how messed up am i?
i just… i can’t miss what i never had in the first place.

julie.
i was terrified of the way she acted and spoke about me in court in july. it was like she hated me. like she had never loved me, just thought i was some hideous parasite destroying her life. when i got her last letter [she sent it to stonebridge even though i got transferred to the quattrocchi site a month ago], i found out that that’s exactly what happened.
i hate it when people say my name. i always hear her voice over theirs, saying it. taunting me. torturing me. it hurts so badly, like my heart is hollow. i don’t want that name. it isn’t mine anymore. it’s hers. she took it, and she stabs me with it every time i hear it. i hate it. … but i can’t hate her. i loved her. i still do. i don’t think i’ll ever not love her. she’s everything to me. she always was, from the moment i met her. she was...
julie was all i had left. she was the only one who made fighting this worth it.

but i can’t fight it. i never could.
i thought i had control of the wolf. i didn’t have any serious problems with it. it was dormant. i thought it would always be. i didn’t realize that it was just waiting for the right time to take me by surprise and…do what it wanted to.
i killed three people. i killed three people with my bare hands. my teeth. i… i ripped their throats out.

…

i’m so scared. i’ve never been this scared in my life. i don’t know why i can’t speak. i don’t know what i’m going to do without her. i don’t know what’s going to happen to me… i’m scared because i don’t know. and i’m scared…of myself. i’m terrified. i’m so scared…;;

[.xander;;]

papa roach once said,
losing my sight
losing my mind
wish somebody would tell me i’m fine
nothing’s alright





//five years, eight months
//22
//10.30.09//13:02

it’s my birthday.

i don’t want to acknowledge it at all.

katze is making me do this. he drives me crazy.

what’s so great about getting older, anyway? i’m not getting any better. no matter what they do, they’ll never cure me. i can’t be cured. it isn’t a mental disease. it’s physical, and it’s never going away. i shouldn’t be here. i should be dead. i should have been dead a long time ago.

i would have been dead a long time ago.

no one wants me to die. what do they care? even before i was bitten, no one wanted me. i’ve always been a monster, it’s just more literal now.

i’m already asleep to the world, but still it won’t let me die.

i’m never getting out of here, am i?;;

[.xander;;]

linkin park once said,
i dreamed i was missing
you were so scared
but no one would listen
because no one else cared





//ten months
//17
//1.23.05//14:00

you can take thirty minutes at most. let us know if you're done early.
...
caleb!
hey.
how are you?
you look amazing.
oh, cay, why do you always avoid questions with senseless cooing?
because it makes you smile.
don’t look now, but i think someone else just smiled too...
so i take it that means you’re good?
you know me.
haha, yes i do!
you look great too. your hair is really cute like that. you should have grown it out while you were in daughtry.
...
give me a second.
what is that?
a journal.
aren’t we a little old to be playing with barbies?
it’s part of my therapy.
oh, i see. so, princess, what are you writing in your journal?
this.
“this?”
our conversation.
really? what is this, like a court room or something? everything has to be documented?
no. i just want to remember everything you say.
okay, cay. that’s really cute. and you write so fast. do i even need to slow down?
practice. writing is the only thing i really like to do around here.
want to see?
i go over it in pen later, with different colors.
ha! you’re right, you do write a lot! can i read this one?
of course.
...
hey, this is from one of our calls!
you only write dialogue? you should do action, too! i totally laughed there, but it looks so serious like that!
well, i’m not the writing god or anything.
your fingers only go so fast, eh?
by the way, you have to add my suggestive wink there.
haha, no.
oh, cay. give me that pencil.
hi diary, i’m julie and this is me writing! (smiles) also, caleb is giving me a funny look. he is so cute. (bats eyelashes at him) but i write a lot slower than him, so i’m going to give you back before he dies of boredom. (winks)
see, isn’t that better?
it’s a journal, julia.
did you write that goofy smile in there? otherwise you will look very serious business when people read that.
i am serious business.
oh, please. you’re a big puppy. now come here so i can give my big puppy a big kiss on his big nose. no, save the writing for after!
...
do you really think my nose is big?
well, i think it would be big if you were a puppy.
that can be arranged.
as long as you don’t try to eat me!
...
... oh, caaay?
it isn’t funny.
why are you so defensive all of a sudden?
because it isn’t funny!
... you don’t have to yell.
...
i’m sorry. i love you, julie.
i know you do. and i love you, just not that part of you.
i can’t help it.
have you made any progress in your therapy, caleb?
i don’t need therapy.
caleb, answer me.
who are you, my mother?
we both know i support you ten times more than your mother does.
so that gives you parental rights?
don’t talk to me like that.
you’re doing it.
what the hell, caleb? and stop writing! it’s distracting!
it’s part of my therapy.
you just said you don’t need therapy!
you want me to have it so badly.
and why haven’t you brought the journal to our other meetings?
because i knew it would annoy you.
don’t blame me!
for what?!
don’t yell at me!
you yelled first!
caleb xander, you are a selfish brat! all i want is for you to be okay, and all you can do is antagonize me!
you’re overbearing!
i’m overbearing?! i’m not the one who insists i can turn into a fluffy, toothy bag of fleas!
shut up!
jesus christ, caleb, calm down!
no! i’m sick of you and everybody else patronizing me like this! i’m not fucking insane!
... caleb, you’re scaring me.
good! do you get the fucking picture yet?! i’m dangerous!
please, caleb. sit down.
why don’t you just leave?! i’m a fucking animal, julie! if you’re done pretending that i’m crazy, get the hell away from me before i do what werewolves are supposed to do and just rip your fucking throat out!
caleb!
...
thank you...
...
... caleb, do you really want me to leave?
you saw what i just did.
please don’t push me away, cay.
...
cay, please...
do you remember what you told me the day we made love the first time?
... how could i forget?
exactly... caleb, i love you. i don’t want anything to happen to you. i... i read somewhere that sometimes people who... feel like that try to push their loved ones away before they--
julie, that was three years ago. i was fourteen. i had nothing, no one. now i have you.
... but you also have the wolf.
so it isn’t like i could die that easily, anyway.
cay...
mr. xander, your visitor needs to leave now.
caleb, before you go... i need you to know something. i care about you--i want you to be okay. i don’t want you to get hurt. please don’t try to make me leave you so that--
i told you--i’m done with that. i have new problems. that’s why i want you to leave.
but, caleb, no matter what you say, i won’t ever leave y--
i love you, julie.;;

//14:31