damn the fog.

[-poe]

just another day, just another deposit in the bathroom. at the sink, after she washed her hands, poe caught her reflection in the mirror. the girl she saw there was changing, almost before her eyes. she was rounder, more healthy. the dull scars below her eyes were turning white and opaque, instead of being pink or angry red from constant irritation. this might seem like a good thing to everyone around her, it was a sign of improvement! but so much medication had started to fog her brain.

instead of those days where lucy came forward, days she spent in blue, depressing water, there was only gray fog. poe was always in control, but in control of what? a body that felt numb, a mouth that was dry and eyes that felt sleepy all the time. she could remember some days, some days spent with xander, that had been like flying, soaring in whiteness, happiness. those didn't happen anymore. she didn't really want to see xander, not have him see her like this. after all, she really wasn't the same girl he once might have liked.

after that moment of clarity and insight, poe turned away and felt herself step back into the mist. her legs controlled themselves, taking her out of the bathroom and into the hallway. did she still hate it here? poe didn't think so, but she certainly didn't like it. she just... didn't care anymore. nothing was important. once outside the bathroom, she leaned against one of the walls and closed her eyes. it was like having a miniature nap, and the faintest hint of a smile crept over her features. rest, oh glorious rest!

before she realized it, poe was sitting on the floor with her head tilted back to rest on the wall. her face felt slightly sticky, apparently she had been drooling. she didn't really know when she had gone to the bathroom, so she couldn't say how long she had been there. but since no one had so far come along and woken her up, poe figured it hadn't been that long, and therefore decided to close her eyes and rest for just 5 more minutes.

[.xander;;]

everyone always said it got better with time. whatever “it” was.

love didn’t get better. the longer he spent life away from her, the more his heart ached.

health didn’t get better. he had come here secure in his sanity, but had been driven stark raving mad.

habits didn’t get better. was it the bloodthirsty wolf or the depressed man responsible for the eating disorder?

he didn’t get better. no matter what they said, and no matter how hard he tried, he wasn’t getting better. he would probably never get better.

it didn’t help that his therapy sessions were always cut short. xander was beginning to think he actually needed counseling, but dr. katze never saw him for the full two hours unless their friday movie was that long.

but it wasn’t friday, and the young man was released early, as usual, with nothing to do for hours til lunch, as usual.

the only place that was safe for him besides dr. katze’s office was his room, but xander hated it there.

he never spoke with anyone, always pretended he was uninterested in other people, and rarely ever laughed at someone’s jokes anymore. everything about him stated blatantly that he was not a people person... but xander hated being alone, even more than he hated the cruel beast raging beneath his skin.

so he wandered the halls aimlessly. there was no where else he could go--he was restricted to the asylum, the cafeteria was closed at this hour, the rec room was too noisy and chaotic... but the hallways were too empty.

the lycanthrope huffed once in frustration, collapsing sideways against a wall. no matter where he went, he was always alone. why did he ever think he could escape it?

that was a pretty funny thought when someone considered the scary-looking man never too far behind him. but stan was hardly “company” in the sense that xander wanted someone who would actually run their mouth like an idiot.

... and then he caught it. he didn’t know if it was his exceptional hearing or his downright amazing nose, but he sensed the nearby presence of someone he recognized--someone who did run her mouth like an idiot!

as xander followed his feet, he suffered multiple convulsions which signaled he was trying to change, but he felt no negative reaction to this. he wasn’t angry, he wasn’t that hungry, and he certainly wasn’t trying to hunt... he was just so damn happy he wanted like hell just to be able to wag his fluffy tail!

he turned one more corner, and his salvation was there, sitting against a wall, ...

xander groaned. his loud, obnoxious savior was asleep.

[/size]

[-poe]

at a groan nearby, poe blinked her eyes open and yawned. who dared interrupt her nap!? anger surged through her, and then in an instant was smothered by her medication. 'a feeling?' it said 'oh, no! we can't have that. you must be a mindless zombie, you know!' yeah, she knew alright. but, looking around for the source of the noise, she saw someone that at one time would have made her heart leap with emotion. instead of her eyes lighting up at the sight of him, they remained dull and cloudy.

a mere "hey." was her only greeting. she barely even recalled that a generic 'hey' in reply would be denied her, as her friend was mute. she rubbed the sleep out of her eyes with one hand, a motion which a few weeks ago would have smudged her eyeliner and makeup. but now, there was none to smudge. she didn't care. instead of a tight-fitting tank top, a baggy t-shirt that sported an obscure logo covered her growing form. her torn up skinny jeans had been replaced with nice-looking flared jeans.

all in all, instead of the messed up, hardcore chic that xander knew, this was a normal-looking girl. through some of her old self that remained, she did however, still despise being called 'lucy.' looking up at her visitor again, she mumbled, "sorry, i fell asleep. you wan' me to move or something?" the latter was directed at the giant body guard who was xander's shadow, and who might be likely to report her for not being where she was supposed to be.

[.xander;;]

a dull “hey,” was all he got? where was the talkative, energetic poe xander was familiar with? this was obviously an imposter--no energy, plain clothes, dull expression. no blabbing mouth...

any excitement, any eagerness that had arisen on xander’s face when his friend awoke completely dissipated at this sight and greeting. the world was just absolutely bent on making him miserable, wasn’t it?

the high risk patient suddenly felt sick to his stomach as poe spoke to stan, looking right through him after only a few seconds.

stan replied gruffly with glances between poe and xander, “you’re fine.”

in retort, xander huffed once. poe--if this was poe--was by no means “fine.” he didn’t like it, or the way it made him feel. this girl was probably the only one here who could make him feel good in just a few minutes, and today, she didn’t even give him a second glance. it was as if his heart had sunk into his stomach, making him nauseous. xander wanted to leave right then rather than bear the strange feeling for any longer and began taking a few steps back. however, his heel bumped into stan’s toe, and for some reason that stopped him from completely turning around and walking away. instead he stood, staring at poe for a few seconds, eventually swallowing down the painful sensation in his chest and approaching the young woman. he nodded to a spot on the wall near her, as if asking whether that seat was taken.

[-poe]

a couple of months ago, poe would have found xander's gesture adorable and hilarious. it was as if he were saying, 'pardon me, miss? is this bit of wall taken in this deserted hallway? i wouldn't want to take someone's seat!' but today, he response was a mere sigh and head shake. of course it wasn't taken. who would she be sitting with next to the ladies bathroom, especially while she was in this state of being.

the doctors said that it would get better as her body became more used to the medication. that she would start returning to her old self, but hah! without her insanity, who was Poe? no one. there would only be the little baby Lucy Aldridge, before anyone, even herself, had known that something was wrong with her. a blank slate. who knew anything about that Lucy? perhaps she liked sports, hanging out on beaches and getting pedicures! in her parent's eyes, that would be perfect. but it wouldn't be the Poe that xander had known.

the Poe that liked music and talking. the Poe that loved xander. this.. this.. lucy, knew she cared about xander, but could barely figure out why. a scruffy man, mute, with problems. at present she didn't really have much of an opinion on him. he did seem concerned about her, and that definitely meant something to lucy, and she supposed that if the fog cleared, she would go back to her feelings about him. what was unclear, however, was if he would still love poe this way.

somewhere deep inside she remembered to care enough that she would have to speak first. "so.. er... what's up?" was her simple query. hey, it was better than nothing, which was her original intention. in fact these days, lucy was becoming a bit of a mute herself.

[.xander;;]

he got more blank notions. the sigh that poe breathed seemed to put an even heavier air over the hall, or was that just xander’s head?

why did he care, anyway? it wasn’t like this was a huge surprise--it had only been a matter of time before she got tired of him. he was just a form of temporary entertainment. when playing with him became boring, he wasn’t needed anymore. that was how it was. lucy aldridge wasn’t supposed to be any different from the others. he wasn’t supposed to be disappointed when she wanted him to leave.

but she was different. xander regretted letting himself fall into a relationship with the other patient, and especially taking a liking to her. he had known from the start that there was no way she could actually like him. there was nothing likeable about him. he thought of turning around again, and really leaving, so that she would be happy again. surely she would be content once he was gone. but he was selfish... and so tired.

beneath him, the man’s legs gave out slowly. he slid down the wall a few feet from lucy and sat there, not particularly caring that his legs were extended into the walkway of the hall, where anyone could trip over baggy jeans and worn brown converse.

xander heaved a sigh of his own. he glanced in poe’s direction when she spoke, or rather, muttered. he made no move to reply with his pen and notepad, still tucked away in his navy hoodie. unconsciously he kept his gaze on her, bright eyes dulled by dark hair and shadows fixed so that he just missed locking eyes with his peer--he didn’t want to start a fight. and if poe could be more dull than usual, he could be more wolf.

[-poe]

a sigh. one long, tired, sad, bored, upset, irritated sigh. the close proximity of a man that once made her feel so alive again brought some feeling into the mostly empty shell that had become poe. it made her realize that something was indeed wrong with her. they used to be emotional together, have some good times, chat (on her side), and generally feel accepted and connected in one another. and from what she could recall, xander hadn't changed at all, and therefore it must have been her that had grown more dull. it was the medication. it had to be the medication, she realized.

so what could she do about it? through the mist that clouded her thoughts, she could barely grasp the idea that she needed to stop taking the medication. that is, she needed to if she ever wanted things to go back to normal with xander- and she thought that she did. "look, xander," she mumbled, the words feeling heavy and unnatural in her mouth. "there's... something wrong. with me. i think.. i think it's my medication." at this, she nodded to herself as if lucy, buried somewhere deep within her, approved of this idea and urged poe to go on.

with a glance at the hulking figure of stan- or was it dan? she leaned in to whisper the next bit in xander's ear to keep it from the silent protector. "i'm going to stop taking it.. i.. i miss you." came her soft words. with one hand she tucked a bit of xander's shaggy hair behind his ear so he could hear the next bit all the better. "because i'd.. put up with lucy a thousand times over, just for us to be together again."

with that, she let her head rest on his shoulder, and slung one arm loosely around her love's waist. his intoxicating scent followed her as her moment of lucidity slipped away and she fell back into the fog where a cat-like sleep came over her again. in her dreams, flashes of their previous encounters raced through her mind, though upon waking she would recall none of them.

[.xander;;]

his ears perked when his actual name came out of her mouth. so maybe poe was still in there--somewhere. but... medication? well... he couldn’t say he blamed her. “happy meds” had a completely different meaning to patients than they did to those who administered them. they should have been called numby meds. xander hated feeling numb--or, more numb than he usually did. he was glad that katze didn’t have him popping pills every day. he didn’t get to feel alive very often, and he wanted to remember the few times he actually felt.

somehow, he was actually feeling right now. he wasn’t fully sure whether this was good or bad--a shiver ran up his spine as poe whispered in his ear and brushed his cheek with her fingers. what she meant was not fully understood by the brunet, but he didn’t mention that. he was preoccupied with keeping a hold on himself. the strange sensations in his body were the wolf’s unrest at feeling the woman’s pulse--they had to be. how else could they be explained?

xander didn’t get why poe insisted on touching him so much. he figured she would have learned her lesson after he had, on multiple occasions, tried to hurt her. the lycanthrope tried desperately to remain a stone as she laid her head on his shoulder and put her arm around him. he didn’t want to hurt her... the wolf did. it was hungry. always hungry... always angry...

the patient’s body shook. xander fought the wolf. he tried to hold on to his consciousness. the wolf couldn’t get control... it couldn’t hurt her... but stan would protect her if it did... wouldn’t he? that was his job. he protected people from the wolf... but stan couldn’t protect xander from the wolf. he had to protect himself.

eventually, the man’s focus left poe’s pulse and rested on the steady rise and fall of her chest. somehow it calmed him. his tense muscles relaxed, and his eyelids suddenly felt heavy... wasn’t this the time a wolf was supposed to go to sleep?

they are next to each other on his couch, their sides touching, her arm wrapped around him warmly. being so close to julie feels strange to caleb--they only met a month ago, but already they are more than friends.

“are you going to put your arm around me?”

blinking, he turns his head to see the goofy smile on her face. he sits there dumbly for a few seconds before hesitantly snaking his arm between her back and the couch, eventually resting his hand on the other side of her waist. quiet and still for a little while longer, he feels his cheeks burn lightly in a blush. his blinking eyes wander around the room sheepishly and his fingers fumble with the zipper on his hoodie. his heart is fleeting, but in some way, he likes it.

the girl laughs once at his timid behavior. “you are so cute, caleb.”

the sound of his name woke xander instantly. however, he wasn’t jolted awake as he normally would be--he actually felt calm, even safe. the warmth of the woman next to him flowed back into him, pouring life into normally dead crevices. he smiled at the feel of her arm around him and his around her, even turned slightly to bury his face in her hair with a content sigh.

... but this hair was different than he was expecting. it was darker, less bold, not as straight. in a frenzy, xander yanked himself away from this strange woman, jumping to his feet. he stared at her from a few safe feet away before he realized she wasn’t a stranger. poe was by no means julie, but she wasn’t a stranger.

confused, xander again took a seat near poe, farther away than before. he couldn’t explain why they had been so close to one another. a nearly invisible flush lit up his cheeks as he stared at the ground before him, remotely shaken.

[-poe]

the enjoyable, but caged memories of their times together had turned to fantasies about times they could have had. fantasies where the sun was bright, lucy was far far away and xander whispered back to her. in her mind they walked through a green cliched meadow holding hands. it was bliss, pure and simple. suddenly, xander was gone and the ground vanished beneath her feet. the falling sensation jolted her awake just in time for the side of her head to hit the cold, hard tile.

it struck with a dull whack, and the sound rang through her own ears as her head clouded with pain. poe inhaled sharply, and pushed herself sitting up again with one hand- the other clutched the side of her head. tears welled up in her eyes, but poe scolded herself instantly. she was a big girl now, and big girls don't cry just because they bump their head.

after the initial shock of it passed, she looked at xander. despite herself, the water around her eyes was clearly visible. she looked hurt- not only physically, which was obvious, but betrayed. 'how could you let me fall?' her eyes prompted him, and sudden unexpected voice answered her. because he doesn't care about you, you dumb bitch. for a moment poe looked terrified, but lucy said nothing more. on second thought.. was it even lucy? or was her own insecurity becoming more evident? poe didn't know.

a warm trickle behind her ear. poe put her hand there, and her fingers came back red. upon further inspection, her earring had been nearly ripped out. she bit her lip and looked up at stan as if to ask what she should do. go to the infirmary? probably. would xander go with her? half of poe wished he would, and the other half was hurt enough to hope he wouldn't.

[.xander;;]

[[hihi. mink apologizes profusely for not posting sooner... she loves poend, really she does.]]

xander's eyes had not left the tiles in front of him. how could he have seen the pained look poe gave him? how could he know the pain he was causing her, causing himself, all the time? maybe he would never know.

the man sniffled once and immediately picked up a sweet, metallic scent. his body tensed, but before he could do anything, the ever-vigilant stan laid a heavy hand on xander's head.

"you need a haircut, kid," the guard said with a messy wad of hair under his hand.

his distraction worked, and xander began inspecting the length and tidiness [or lack thereof] of the mop he called hair.

with his free hand, stan reached into his pocket and withdrew a handkerchief, tossing it to poe. his stern eyes fell now on her, and he suggested with a voice that sounded more like an order, "you should probably go get that checked out in the infirmary."

xander was still not paying attention, by now discovering that his bangs could not be pushed aside without falling right back into his face.